What If Leaving Your Child Could Strengthen Your Bond?

Here’s the attachment science every working mom needs to understand before assuming separation is harming her child

You love your work. I mean, you really do find so much satisfaction in working. The creativity. The problem solving. The ambitious part of you that lights up when you get things done and meet new challenges. Not to mention the financial security.

You love who you are when you work.

You also, of course, love your baby, but it suddenly seems impossible to keep going at this professional pace when chubby fingers and sweet breath cry and reach for you as you walk out the door. When your to-do list is eight pages long. When you are exhausted to the bone and can barely breathe when you consider how many people need you.

What once felt obvious—growing your career—now feels daunting. Your priorities seem to be changing in front of your eyes.

And you feel stuck. Uncertain. Exhausted. Lost.

Yes? Is this you?

If so, I want you to know something: these feelings make sense, and they do not mean there is something wrong. But those uncomfortable and inconvenient emotions need to be both felt and understood in order for you to move in a direction that meets the needs of both you and your little human.

First, let's lay down the facts.

We all come into motherhood with conditioned ideas about success and mothering. We do not become mothers without analyzing how we were mothered. Without realizing it, we wear those conditioned fears and beliefs like glasses through which we observe everything.

Society will continue to throw expectations at mothers. Trends around what it means to be a "good mother" will keep coming and going. What you do matters so much less than why you do it. And your why will always be unique to you and your child.

You do not need to be with your child all the time to form a loving, fulfilling, and secure attachment with them. But you do need to know how to be present when you are with them. Relationship-building and secure attachment require you to be steady and available enough to hold space for your child when they feel all the feels. You need to know how to be with them so they feel seen, heard, understood, and safe.

You cannot do it all, but you most certainly can be it all.

There is definitely not enough time in the day to finish everything on your to-do list to perfection the way you might think you need to in order to feel steady and in control. You don't have enough hands to do everything for everyone all the time. But doing everything is not the point anyway.

We are all searching for feelings—connection, love, satisfaction, peace, fulfillment, inspiration, motivation, confidence, and competence. We think we'll access those feelings once everything is done... and done well.

But that's not how it works.

We access those feelings through what's happening on the inside, not the outside.

And you most certainly can be a successful professional and a devoted mother at the same time. This happens when we're able to put down the things that don't really matter and tap into the things that do.

I have never met a working mom who doesn't know mom guilt intimately well. But too often, it's the stories we tell ourselves that create that guilt. Too often, we make decisions based on those stories and end up nowhere near where we actually wanted to be.

Take leaving for work as an example.

When you drop your child off at daycare or leave them with a babysitter and they reach for you, tears and snot covering their cute little face, what do you tell yourself? How do you feel? What do you do?

Most mothers immediately tell themselves a story.

Maybe it's: I'm doing something wrong.

Or: My child needs me more than this.

Or: If I were a better mother, this wouldn't be so hard.

And then the guilt rushes in.

But what if those moments aren't evidence that something is wrong? What if they're actually opportunities to strengthen your child's sense of security?

I bet you didn't know that these very moments—the ones that tear your heart out and leave you spinning and second-guessing yourself—can become some of the strongest building blocks in your bond with your child.

Not because separation is easy. Not because your child isn't upset. But because secure attachment is not built by never leaving. It's built through what happens before, during, and after those moments of separation.

In other words, the very thing you've been afraid is hurting your relationship may actually be one of the places where connection grows.

And once you understand the science behind why this is true, you'll never look at these moments the same way again.

Join me on June 20th at 1:00 PM MST for a 75-minute workshop where I'll show you the science and teach you exactly what to do in these emotion-filled moments to turn separation into connection.

Imagine how different you'll feel when you trust that your child will be okay, your relationship will be okay, and you can continue tending to the work that brings you purpose.