Why Connection Works Better Than Control

It feels so dang good to be in control, doesn’t it?

For me, control feels like steadiness. Safety. Calm.

And feeling out of control? I’m sure I’m not alone in this. It feels frenetic. Scary. Confusing. Disorienting.

This, my friend, is the human condition. It’s our hard wiring. Because way back when we first walked this planet and life was… simple… if we weren’t the one in control, we were at risk of dying.

Think about that for a second: your brain is hard wired to believe that lack of control = danger.

So inside that nervous system of yours, this is what happens:

You enter the birth room and suddenly you have no control over your body, and you begin to panic. Your nervous system reads this as danger.

Your newborn baby is crying and you don’t know why. Lack of control = danger.

Your baby won’t eat, sleep, or look at you when you want or need them to. Lack of control = danger.

Your toddler does that thing where they stop, drop, and completely freak out. Lack of control = danger.

I mean, let’s take ourselves off the hook for a second, please. Our brains are simply hard wired to experience lack of control as one of the scariest feelings in the world.

Of course we feel anxious as new moms.

But here’s what happens next:

Our kiddo starts acting, thinking, and feeling in ways that are outside of our control, and we begin to panic. They then get the message from our nervous system that something really, really bad must be happening. Because if they aren’t in control and we aren’t in control then what-the-actual-f*ck.

(They obviously aren’t thinking it that way, but that’s what my very mature adult brain does with it.)

Small children actually don’t have much choice or control at all. Their brains simply aren’t developed enough yet. And so for their nervous systems to settle, they need ours to settle first.

OK, fine. But how do we do that?

Well… we make a very specific choice in these moments: We choose connection over control.

We choose to lead from a place of connection rather than fear. In the moment, we let go of our need for control and choose connection instead.

In other words, we stop fighting the moment.

We recognize that in moments like these we don’t actually have control over our child’s behavior, but we teach our nervous systems to trust that this is okay. We begin the process of teaching ourselves that we can feel a lack of control and still be safe.

We stabilize ourselves and then, rather than trying to control our child’s feelings, thoughts, or behavior…

We simply connect.

We get down at their level. We look them in the eyes. We pull them into a hug or place our hands on their cheeks or shoulders. Or we don’t touch them at all — we just stay close and breathe.

Connection.

And guess what happens next?

Our children begin to borrow our steadiness in the middle of their lack of control.

And when that happens? They stop needing to gain control too.

They settle because, in moments of connection, the human nervous system registers safety.

Safety.
Steadiness.
Calm.

Those very feelings we were trying to access in the first place.

As moms, we often move through these chaotic and uncertain moments from a place of fear and danger. Our hard wiring kicks in and we desperately try to control, control, control.

But the more we try to control, the more out of control we feel.

In the modern world, it’s connection that both we and our children want and need most.

And we can do that.