What Makes a Good Mom? (It's Probably Not What You Think)

A good mom bakes homemade cookies. A good mom makes healthy meals. A good mom loves playing on the floor. A good mom remembers spirit days. A good mom grows a beautiful garden. A good mom has the perfect voice for bedtime stories. A good mom volunteers at school. A good mom never misses a game. A good mom knows exactly what to say when her child is hurting. A good mom never raises her voice. A good mom makes the perfect snacks shaped into little animals. A good mom is always there, right when her child needs and wants her.

Or so we are led to believe…

But when we look at what actually shapes children over time, the list looks very different.

A good mom doesn't need to be the best baker, storyteller, gardener, chauffeur, chef, or crafter. A good mom doesn’t need to be physically present all the time.  A good mom is someone her child experiences as a safe place both when they are together and when they’re not.

Someone who notices. Someone who repairs after mistakes. Someone who is willing to learn. Someone who keeps showing up. Someone who allows her child to feel the full range of human emotions instead of trying to make them disappear.

Someone who feeds her own soul with inspiration so she can be the fullest and most complete version of herself for her child. Someone who is willing to feel sad, disappointed, frustrated, and scared because she trusts her capacity to ride that wave and return to baseline. Someone who is not scared to feel scared. Not afraid to not know. Someone able to hold her child in mind even when she isn’t with them and who can be where her feet are when she is.

The truth is that children rarely remember whether the cupcakes were homemade or store-bought. They rarely remember whether the garden thrived or whether the lunches were Pinterest-worthy.

What stays with them is the feeling of being known. Being welcomed. Being comforted when things were hard. Being allowed to be exactly who they were.

The irony is that many mothers spend enormous amounts of energy trying to perfect the things that matter least because they are easier to measure. It is much harder, and much more important, to offer presence, connection, repair, and trust.

A good mom is not a collection of skills. She's a relationship.

And relationships don't require perfection. They require connection.

Is it her baking ability?
The home-cooked meals?
The way she can turn a bedtime story into a Broadway production?
The garden she tends?
The rides she gives?
The lunches she packs?
The birthday parties she throws?

Or is it something harder to photograph? Something no one applauds? Something a child feels more than sees? Something that stays around long after she is gone because it is the essence of the experience of her that whispers into the night when you can’t sleep.

I bet, as you read this, you know the answer deep inside your heart. Your head may push back with a “yeah, but.” But that heart of yours? It knows. It knows what your child needs most. And it is the many things that you have access to right now, already, without having to do more.